If I was to die right now, suddenly, unexpectedly, and I could crystallise that moment, the one right before allowing the inevitable gravitous force to pull me into its centre, these would be my thoughts:
My dog, Shep, licking my fingers for the traces of pepperoni from my snack earlier, the last living thing to sense my presence on this earth. Your warm breath steaming up the windows on my shoulder blades from which I view you pressed up, hugging my sleepy back.
The things that I have yet to accomplish: completing the shopping run in under 40 minutes, starting my own, hugely successful, internet business, spawned from the simplest, why-didn’t-I-think-of-that germ, gaining the respect of the young guy at the video shop (Why have my video choices been unable to live up to his standards?)
Remembering the shafts of light that I stare(d) at when lost for ideas at my desk, which projected particles and participles upon the very air itself, illuminating everything and nothing of my mind’s thoughts.
And all the bad and evil swooping down upon me, oh the things I’ve done! Thinking of my faults and deficits, as a father, husband, lover, writer, dog-owner, consumer, tv-watcher. Incapable of enjoying the informative and important documentary about third world genocide, flicking over to The Ten Most Insane Cop Chases Ever!. And of fulfilling my proper paternal duties to my daughter, which could only be ruined now I’m about to desert her forever? Forgetting to buy any dog food last week for 3 days in a row and watching him suffer. Guilty, guilty infidelity knocking against my conscience, knowing the consequences and refusing to accept responsibility for them. Still unable to truly feel what I ought.
And did I unload the dishwasher like you asked me to?
*Josie Thaddeus-Johns*
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